America's Almost-Bird: Why Ben Franklin Was Right About the Turkey
SHOP THE FRANKLIN TURKEY TEE →
I have to tell you about this letter.
In January 1784, Benjamin Franklin sat down and wrote his daughter Sally what was supposed to be a normal letter. Like, hi Sally, here's what's going on, love you, bye. Instead, halfway through, he got SO mad that he spent multiple paragraphs taking down the bald eagle. The bird. The national symbol. The thing we now print on currency.
He hated it.
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A bird of bad moral character.
Here's what he actually wrote. Direct quote, no paraphrasing
"For my own part, I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen as the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly... like those among Men who live by Sharping & Robbing, he is generally poor and often very lousy."
Franklin called the national bird of the United States a thief. He said it was poor, and that it had bad moral character, and that it stole from other birds. He compared it to crooks. To Sally. In a letter. About birds.
I cannot stress enough that this is a real document you can read in his collected papers.
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What he wanted instead
He wanted the turkey. Specifically:
"For in Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America... He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."
So according to Franklin, the turkey was:
— A "respectable Bird" — A true original native of America (eagles are everywhere, turkeys are ours) — Brave enough to attack a British soldier — "A little vain & silly" — and HE STILL SAID IT WAS BETTER
The man was making a complete case. With sources. To his daughter. Casually.
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He lost. America picked the eagle.
The Great Seal of the United States — the one with the eagle clutching the olive branch and the arrows — had actually been adopted two years earlier, in 1782. Franklin's letter wasn't a formal proposal. It was a man yelling into the void about a decision that had already been made.
He never stopped being mad about it.
The eagle stayed. The turkey was robbed. And nobody put it on a shirt.
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Why he was kind of right (biologically speaking)
This is the part that wrecks me. Franklin wasn't just being dramatic. Bald eagles ARE thieves. They're called kleptoparasites by ornithologists, which is the actual scientific word for "birds that steal from other birds." Eagles routinely chase ospreys and other raptors to make them drop the fish they caught, then swoop in and grab the dropped fish.
Franklin had no internet, no Wikipedia, no documentary footage. He just knew. And he was 100% correct on the biology.
The turkey, meanwhile, is in fact a true native species of North America, was domesticated by Indigenous peoples thousands of years ago, and yes — male turkeys will absolutely fight you. Ask anyone who's ever come between a tom and his territory in November. He wasn't wrong.
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So we made the shirt he deserved.
A vintage engraving portrait of Benjamin Franklin standing next to the bird he actually wanted, both wearing aviators, both looking entirely vindicated. Cream on heavy garment-dyed cotton. The kind of shirt that makes someone walk up to you at a barbecue and say "wait, what does that mean," and now you get to tell them the whole story.
It's the Franklin Turkey Tee — "Robbed by the Eagle. 1784." Part of our Funny True History capsule.
SHOP THE FRANKLIN TURKEY TEE →
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What's coming next: the rematch
Here's the thing about a fight that ended in 1782: it can be re-litigated.
This week we're dropping The Other War of 1776: Eagle vs. Turkey — a companion shirt where both birds, in full vintage engraving glory and matching aviators, face off in a boxing weigh-in pose. The fight America never got. Coming in days.
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More from the Funny True History capsule
— Sybil Ludington — Did Paul Revere's job better. 1777. — John Adams — It was July 2nd. Ask him. — Abigail Adams — Remember the Ladies. 1776.
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The Funny True History capsule is for the history nerds, the trivia anchors, the Hamilton fans, the dads who quote letters from 1784 unprompted, and anyone who wants to wear something that starts a conversation instead of ending one.
Franklin was right. America was wrong. And 242 years later, the turkey finally gets his shirt.
